“When Your Spouse Is Out of Work, What’s a Good Way to Talk About It?” by Dr. John Manni, Psychologist

Maybe talking isn’t always the answer.  Try listening.

Many years ago while my wife was pregnant with our first child, I took a workshop based on Parent Effectiveness Training by Dr. Thomas Gordon. The book emphasizes active listening, a communication technique, which requires the listener to feed back to the speaker what she/he hears by re-stating or paraphrasing.  The feedback also can consist of labeling the emotion that the listener thinks underlies the speaker’s message.  Dr. Gordon’s approach to communication has been central to improving my parenting skills as well as my work as a psychologist.  Not surprisingly, I have used his methods to help clients improve communication skills with their children, bosses, employees and spouses.  Inevitably, the vast majority reports improvement in their ability to communicate and resolve conflicts.

Unemployment impacts significantly on the entire family.  Men and women sometimes find themselves unsure of how to respond to their spouse.  Should they make suggestions, act as a cheerleader or just stay out of the way?  I strongly suggest one strategy: be a good listener.  A good listener can be as helpful as a good advisor.   Think back, have you ever called a friend to talk about a problem you faced and come to a solution even though your friend said vey little?  Sometimes just having someone listen to you is the best help you can get.

When someone is under emotional strain, – like a person who is unemployed – what he or she says is often distorted by the strong feelings driving the message.  An active listener sometimes restates a speaker’s statement; thereby, giving the other person a chance to hear and reconsider what they are saying.  This can enable the speaker to clarify the message and sometimes identify their feelings.  Talking through what someone is thinking and feeling can help them stay motivated and on task.

Let’s assume the husband is the unemployed member of the family.  For instance he comes into the kitchen and says angrily: “Isn’t dinner ready yet!”  You might be tempted to respond angrily yourself, but try restating his message: “You’re really hungry, aren’t you?” Responding by restating helps the speaker hear what they are saying and gives them a chance to restate their message more clearly. He answers: “I worked all day on the computer looking for a job. “I really don’t think I got anywhere.” His wife responds by identifying the emotion underlying his second message: “Sounds like searching for a job has you really frustrated and angry.” He realizes he is not really angry that dinner isn’t ready but frustrated at the process of looking for work.  Labeling the emotion that underlies a message facilitates the release of emotions.  He responds: “I need to take a break.” “When will dinner be ready?”

The first step for the listener is to maintain good eye contact and focus on the message.  It is important to pick a time and place where there are no distractions so that you can stay focused on what your husband is saying.  While listening, try to repeat in your own words what your spouse says. Avoid trying to provide solutions or advice. The goal is to convey you are there for him/her.  It isn’t necessary to respond verbally to everything they say. Sometimes silence is enough. Use body language like nodding your head  to indicate your interest and attention.

In summary, active listening is a great way to help your spouse through the emotional storm of unemployment.  Do not jump in with solutions, judge or criticize.  Listen intently, sometimes just restating what you heard and, at other times, labeling the emotion underlying his message.  The unemployed often withdraw and feel socially isolated.  Active listening will communicate your acceptance and your willingness to help.

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“Volunteering: A Rewarding Path to a Paying Job” by Dr. John Manni, Psychologist

Over the years I have deepened my understanding of the human experience and improved my skills as a therapist by listening closely to clients.  Recently, while conducting a workshop on coping with the emotional turmoil of unemployment, a participant offered a great suggestion to the group.  When her children were young, she sometimes felt housebound.  She started volunteering to get out of the house and connect with people, as well as make a social contribution.

Once she returned to work she was too busy to continue volunteering.  Unfortunately, because of the downturn in the economy she found herself unemployed and spending hours everyday looking for another position.   After a few months, she started to feel socially isolated.  Remembering the sense of community she got from volunteering years earlier, she decided to try her hand at it once again.

It worked.  She looked forward to working with other people and helping the less fortunate.  Her motivation improved as well as her sense of self worth.  As a result, she encouraged other members of the group to volunteer.  When we met as a group a week later, she had inspired four other people to take on volunteer positions.  One person reported that she was learning new computer skills.  Someone in another workshop was hoping the skills she was gaining volunteering at an animal shelter would lead to a job at a privately owned dog kennel.

Our society is richer and more humane because of millions of volunteers across the country.  For those seeking jobs, it not only enriches their lives but also adds to their resume.  It shows perspective employers that you have a cooperative, sociable nature and are willing to give generously of yourself to support a greater cause.  It helps answer the question “What have you been doing while unemployed?” Interestingly, a recent blog post on Ivyexec.com reported that 20% of hiring managers relied on volunteering as part of their hiring decisions.

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“I’ll Make All the Sacrifices So My Family Can Go On As Usual” by Dr. John Manni, Psychologist

Too many people take personal responsibility for losing their job, even if entire divisions were closed or the firm moved overseas.   Sure it’s a blow to the ego, but employees are not to blame if the company goes out of business, sells out, or down sizes.  Yet so many people take it personally, and some take it to extremes.  “I’m the one who lost the job.  Why should my family suffer?”

One gentleman who participated in my workshops said, “My family went to the beach Saturday.  It was hot and my wife and daughter wanted ice cream.  I was happy to get it for them, but I felt awful getting it for myself.  I should be home looking for work.”

My response to him was, you can’t be looking for work 24 X 7.  If you’re doing everything within reason to get re-employed, that’s plenty.  As human beings we need to recharge our batteries, and we need to do it often.  Taking time to enjoy yourself is important to reduce stress.  Having fun provides mental refreshment and can make it easier to do the less pleasurable tasks of looking for a job.

I recommend that clients plan for pleasurable activities every day.  What you do doesn’t have to be a big deal.  Call a friend, take a short walk, play a couple games of solitaire, anything enjoyable that creates a mental diversion.  Personally, I use fun activities as a reward for completing tasks.  For example, I really enjoy reading mysteries.  On days when I have to spend time with household chores and office bookkeeping, I promise myself that I’ll pick up a book once those tasks have been completed.

Concentrate on things you can do for free, but don’t beat yourself up for spending a couple bucks on something enjoyable.  Your family recognizes the stress you’re under, and I’ll bet they enjoy seeing you relax and having fun.

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"Is Unemployment Killing Your Self-Concept?" by John Manni, Psychologist

As a psychologist, I present workshops focused on psychological strategies to help unemployed participants stay positive, motivated, and focused while searching for another job.  Recently, a participant pointed out that she had used volunteering to get her out of the house and enrich her life during her child rearing years.  After returning to work, she became too busy to volunteer.  Like many others today, she found herself out of work and spending countless hours seeking new employment.  Eventually, she found it more and more difficult to stay motivated.  She found she was becoming less energetic and was just going through the motions of looking for work.

It struck her that returning to volunteering would get her out of the house and help her feel more positive about her life.  She shared her experience with the group and even talked another member into joining her work at a food bank.  To my surprise, more and more participants started to volunteer in a variety of settings.  All reported feeling an improved sense of self-worth and more motivated to engage in job search activities.  One participant pointed out that she was being taught new software skills while volunteering.  (Something that would have benefited her in her previous job.)

In good times, volunteering is seen as an altruistic endeavor.  For an unemployed person volunteering remains a way to help others, but it can also help them help themselves.  It also looks good on your resume.  It shows perspective employers that you have a cooperative, sociable nature, and are willing to give generously of yourself to support a greater cause.

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"I lost my job and feel like my world is coming to an end."

It’s no surprise if you feel that way. Getting laid off is a harsh blow to the strongest among us. When we experience a devastating event, we walk around telling ourselves “This is terrible, this is horrible!” And you know what? It’s that kind of thinking that gets us into trouble. It’s a simple fact that how we think about job loss (or any event) influences how we feel about it and what we’re going to do about it.

So instead of walking around kicking yourself, a good first step is to stop believing everything you think. Instead, evaluate the situation and ask yourself, “Is this the end of the world? Is this the most terrible thing that could happen to me?” Thinking that focuses on everything negative leads to fear and depression. Such fear can become overwhelming and stop you in your tracks. As a result, you’ll have a hard time doing all the things you need to do in order to move forward with your life. It’s important to tell yourself, “Losing my job stinks but I can survive. The recession will not last forever.” Failure only defines you if you stop trying!

Changing how you think is not easy but it can be done. It takes practice every day. You have to catch yourself having negative thoughts.  Write them down. Evaluate them.  Then write down a more realistic and helpful thought. Instead of thinking, “I should have seen this job coming to an end,” say to yourself, “The financial experts in Washington didn’t see it coming. Neither did the genius who ran the company.”

Minoru Yoshida holds the world record for non-stop push-ups at 10,507. We bet it took daily practice to achieve this feat. So changing your thinking takes the same kind of persistence.  While it might not be easy, practicing changing how you think will help you survive unemployment.

We’d like to hear how you turned around a negative thought.

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