“I’ll Make All the Sacrifices So My Family Can Go On As Usual” by Dr. John Manni, Psychologist

Too many people take personal responsibility for losing their job, even if entire divisions were closed or the firm moved overseas.   Sure it’s a blow to the ego, but employees are not to blame if the company goes out of business, sells out, or down sizes.  Yet so many people take it personally, and some take it to extremes.  “I’m the one who lost the job.  Why should my family suffer?”

One gentleman who participated in my workshops said, “My family went to the beach Saturday.  It was hot and my wife and daughter wanted ice cream.  I was happy to get it for them, but I felt awful getting it for myself.  I should be home looking for work.”

My response to him was, you can’t be looking for work 24 X 7.  If you’re doing everything within reason to get re-employed, that’s plenty.  As human beings we need to recharge our batteries, and we need to do it often.  Taking time to enjoy yourself is important to reduce stress.  Having fun provides mental refreshment and can make it easier to do the less pleasurable tasks of looking for a job.

I recommend that clients plan for pleasurable activities every day.  What you do doesn’t have to be a big deal.  Call a friend, take a short walk, play a couple games of solitaire, anything enjoyable that creates a mental diversion.  Personally, I use fun activities as a reward for completing tasks.  For example, I really enjoy reading mysteries.  On days when I have to spend time with household chores and office bookkeeping, I promise myself that I’ll pick up a book once those tasks have been completed.

Concentrate on things you can do for free, but don’t beat yourself up for spending a couple bucks on something enjoyable.  Your family recognizes the stress you’re under, and I’ll bet they enjoy seeing you relax and having fun.

“Don’t Stop Looking Now” by Dr. John Manni, Psychologist

If you think the week between Christmas and New Year’s Day  is not a good time to follow up on job leads, think again.  Yes, everyone is preoccupied with year-end details.  There are lots of office parties and other distractions. Many take the week as vacation.  There are a lot of apparently “good” reasons why not to look.

However, the fact remains, if a job is posted it is still available.  There could be an extreme urgency to get that position filled.  The company might want someone to start right after the first of the year, and they still haven’t found the best candidate.

Since many job seekers believe this is a bad time to look, the competitive pool is now smaller, and that can increase your chances of standing out.  If you’ve already had an interview, following up this week demonstrates your continued interest and perseverance.  Who knows, that might be all it takes to tip the balance in your favor.

In previous posts we’ve talked about how negative thinking, or believing something that isn’t true, can get in your way.  The key is to challenge the validity of those thoughts.  Ask your self if there are alternative possibilities.  Look for a positive thought and take action.  For example, “Companies are too busy to hire this time of year” should be replaced by “I have nothing to lose and everything to gain by following up right now.”

As I finished writing this post, I came across an article in The Wall Street Journal,  http://on.wsj.com/vJ6XJA, confirming the wisdom to press on during the holiday season.  I think you’ll find it interesting.

“Unemployment Stress and the Holidays” by Doug Barton

We hear from many unemployed people that holidays are exceptionally stressful, especially those associated with gift giving.  There are many reasons why this is understandable.  It is hard to be joyful when one hasn’t gotten over having lost one’s job. Secondly, it’s hard to feel generous when regular income has been greatly reduced, if not eliminated.  Realistically, a new position may not appear before the New Year.  Focusing solely on your lack of resources will only amplify your level of stress.  Frankly, family and friends understand your situation and would prefer that you not dig yourself into a deeper hole. Those close to you will most likely feel good knowing that you are not fretting away this holiday season.

Experience is sometimes the best teacher. Many of you may recall from older relatives who lived through The Great Depression, holidays were no less joyous when a typical gift might have been an orange or a bag of candy.  Maybe this is a year when you re-think gift giving and come up ideas that don’t put a crimp in your wallet.

Here are some examples:

-   Make some CDs of your favorite music that others might enjoy.

-   Has someone admired one of your possessions you no longer need?  Imagine how appreciative the recipient would be if you gave them something you personally valued.

-  Create a photo album or journal of memorable moments shared with a loved one.

-  There are tons of things that can come out of your kitchen like baked goods, preserves, pickled veggies, or your favorite sauces.

-  Are you good at crafts?  Can you think of something easy to make in time for the holidays?  Even if it’s small, the person who receives will appreciate the creativity, time and caring you put into it.

-   How about creating gift certificates good for car washes, household chores, or baby-sitting?

We’d like to hear your suggestions.  Not only for economical gifts,but also for ways you can avoid the holiday blues.

“Change Your Thinking, Change How You Feel” by Dr. John Manni

In my blogs I have often referred to the impact thinking has on our emotions and behavior.    perspective, I like to define thinking as talking to yourself.  (You know, that inner voice that only you can hear.) If your thinking is faulty, it   to negative emotions and self-defeating behaviors such as avoidance,procrastination, anxiety and depression.

Let’s take one common thinking error we might make.  We sometimes think about events in all or nothing terms.  Everything is either black or white; yet life events are usually more complex.  Examples of this type of thinking  error might include “What a loser I turned out to be,“ or, “I’ll never get another job.” Thinking this way can lead to the self-defeating conclusion: “I might aswell give up looking for a job.”

It is critical that you catch these thinking errors quickly and analyze them.   Does the evidence support your conclusion? For example, if you can list some successes in your career, then you’re conclusionthat you are a loser is not supported and therefore inaccurate.  Can you step back and evaluate your decision to stop looking for a job?  Is stopping in your best interest? It can be helpful to write down a statement that is more accurate on an index card that you can use to remind yourself whenever the unsupported thought pops up again. It might be something like, “I am not a loser! My career was successful until this recession.  It will take time, but I will find a job.”

“Recapturing Lost Confidence” by Dr. John Manni, Psychologist

With so few jobs available, it’s not surprising when clients tell me they’re losing their confidence. If you’re one of those people, it’s important to examine yourself closely.  Reflect on what you are telling yourself.  Too often ourself-talk is negative.  We walk around putting ourselves down with statements like “I guess I don’t have what it takes to get a job anymore,” or “If I had only started looking before the layoff I’d have been okay.” Frankly, self-talk that includes “would have, could have, should have “statements lead nowhere.  What you need to do is rewrite those negative scripts.

Begin by recalling just how effective you were at your previous jobs.  Take stock of your talents.  Think of your successes.  Remember all the good things that were said in your reviews.. How about all the positive feedback from supervisors and co-workers?  What about all the problems you solved? All of those things are still true!

I also realize the reality that it may take months to get another job, and as time passes, your self-confidence begins to wane.  One way to reinvigorate your confidence is to demonstrate competence in your daily actions. Look around your house or apartment and pick a job like waxing your car, weeding a garden, fixing a leaky faucet, or painting some trim.  When you’re finished, step back and enjoy a sense of satisfaction with a job well done.  Try to remember that action is a good way to jump-start motivation. Build you self-confidence one small step at a time by rediscovering your sense of mastery.

Time and again in this blog I have emphasized the role thinking plays in your emotions and actions. If you see your present state of unemployment as your personal failure, you need a reality check.  Unfortunately, you are caught up in the worst recession since the great depression.  You ended up without a job because of forces far beyond your control.  rewrite the script you keep playing in your mind with a more realistic assessment such as, “These are tough times which I will survive because I am a competent person with skills and talents that have served me and previous employers well.”  Keep that thought in mind as you stick to your search for a new job and it will help in keeping you emotionally and physically healthy. 

"Personal Connections: the Best Way to Get a Job." by Lisa Jacobson

If you are unemployed, my heart goes out to you. Listen-up. Here is some tough love and savvy advice from someone who has selected and interviewed hundreds of people. Let me put this as plainly as possible. Move away from your computer and towards your local coffee shop, little league park or ordinary social event. Go anywhere people gather. Meet new people, tell everyone you know that you need a job or a project. The “friend of a friend” is very likely going to be your next boss. 

In the meantime, go to your favorite charity and volunteer to do a specific and meaningful project. Work while you are looking for work: Serve coffee, mow lawns, run errands. There is nothing more honorable that earning a living, no matter how humble the job. 

Another tip…please stop the madness. Stop pressing the “apply” button expecting to get a reply or phone call. Do the math. At Coca-Cola, I received hundreds of resumes a day. They were dumped into a data base of millions. I know the same to be true of most, if not all, major corporations. You are more likely to win the lottery than get an interview by merely pressing the apply button. Stats indicate that only somewhere between 5-15 % of people get jobs that way. Use the job boards to find out what jobs are open. Then ask everyone you know if they know someone at the companies where you see posted openings. Get an introduction. Ask your “friend’s friend” if he or she will do you a favor and meet you for coffee. After you meet, ask him or her to hand deliver or email your resume to the hiring manager with a personal note attached. Then pay the favor forward.


Lisa Jacobson, career advisor and HR consultant, is the founder of Workplace Solutions, www.workplacesolutionstampa.com. 

“I can’t pick up the phone to call about a job.” by Dr.John Manni, Psychologist

Many of my unemployed clients tell me that even when someone gives them a referral, they struggle to call for an appointment.  For them, the telephone weighs 500 pounds.  I hear comments like, “I get a lump in my throat,” “It seems like my heart is going to jump through my chest,” “I feel like I’m running out of breath,” “I’m afraid I’m going to say something stupid.”  Sound familiar?  What makes calling strangers so tough?  What can we do about it?

We are all built with an internal signal system that begins to prepare us for danger; namely anxiety. As anxiety and fear intensifies, we can begin to experience physical symptoms like shortness of breath, rapid heartbeat and/or sweating.  At work is the signal system that triggers the “fight or flight” response.  If we truly faced danger we could respond with a stronger and faster response.  Unfortunately, anxiety can arise when there is no real danger.  If you are becoming anxious before calling perspective employers, your signal system is alerting you to the potential for danger but it is a false alarm.  Start by recognizing that the anxiety you feel is a false alarm.  If you stop to think about it, there is no physical threat.  I suggest you ask yourself,  “What is the worse that can happen”?  Do you really think the person will be mean or just hang up?  If they are rude, it is on them.  I would bet the individual you are calling will be courteous and, if in their power, helpful.

The best approach is practice, practice, practice.  Develop some openings sentences like,  “I’m interested in the position you advertised and would like to tell you how I can help your company,” or “I’m a good friend of Jane Doe, who works in such-and-such department, and she thinks I’d be a great fit with your company.”

Be sure to say something positive about yourself without bragging.  Avoid big words.  Sound upbeat, confident, and conversational, but not bubbly.  Make your opening comment brief and simple.  Sample your opening statement with your spouse or a friend.  Remind yourself that any feelings of anxiety are really a false alarm.  You have nothing to lose, and maybe, just one of those many calls will pay off.

"I feel like I let my family down.” by Dr. John Manni, Psychologist

I often hear this from clients and people who attend my workshops.  Many will say things like, “They counton me for everything,” “We can’t afford to do the things I’d promised,” “I’m a failure if I can’t give my family everything they need.”

Before you bury yourself in blame and guilt, it is important to evaluate your thinking.  Today there are approximately 14 million unemployed.  Are they all failures?  If you want to help your family, you will have to start by getting your thinking on the right track. It is more accurate to realize you are caught up in tough times beyond your control.  Think realistically.  “This will be tough, but not impossible.”  “As a family we can survive.”  If you take a look at other posts in our blog you will find lots of tips that can help with your negative feelings.  Most importantly, remember a family is a system.  What affects one member will affect the others.  The adjustment of family members will, to some extent, depend on your how well you adjust.

Start by discussing the situation with your spouse.  Your feelings should be part of the discussion.  Honesty is the best policy.  Trying to hide your feelings will not work and will color your attempts to communicate.  Share with your wife/husband your job search strategy.  She/he may have good suggestions.  Make a plan to deal with finances and set up a time to talk to your children. An important part of your discussion should also include what your family can do for fun.  Make a list of activities that are free or relatively inexpensive.  Activities might include hiking, renting a movie, visiting state parks, etc.  Remember, whatever you do need not cost a lot of money.  The quality of time spent together is what counts.

When approaching children, tailor what you say to their age. Yhe younger the child, the simpler you should mak the explanation.  It is not necessary to get into all the nuts and bolts, even for teenagers.  Simply stating the facts is best.  Of course, answer their questions honestly.

“I’m Tired of Sending Out Resumes and Not Getting Any Responses." by Dr. John Manni, Psychologist

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard this from clients and people attending my workshops. It’s frustrating to do all that work and not get a single reply.  I can’t understand why companies don’t send polite rejection notices.  Nor can I explain why anyone’s resume doesn’t attract an employer’s attention.  I can state explicitly, however, that action leads to motivation.  It is persistence that will pay off. Let’s look at some ideas that can help you keep moving ahead.

We all respond to positive reinforcement.  In fact, it is difficult to sustain motivation without it. Unfortunately, in today’s job market, people often encounter long stretches without a positive response from employers.  As a result, our motivation gets eroded and negative emotions like frustration, anger and despair set in. In order to keep plugging away at meaningful job search activities, you have to focus on your emotional state and provide your own positive reinforcement.

In a sense, when unemployed, you are your own boss.  Set a daily schedule that works to your benefit. Follow the “Premack Principle.” Take on the difficult or unpleasant tasks first, followed by those you find more pleasant.  David Premack,a psychologist, has shown that applying this principle raises the probability that you will complete the tough (but important) tasks you tend to avoid.

Next, do not rely on external forces for reinforcement, create your own.  Make a list of easy-to-do “reinforcers,” things you really enjoy, like hitting some golf balls, watching a funny movie or cooking something fun.  Use these reinforcers after you complete a couple of daily tasks.  It’s like giving yourself a reward. Finally, keep reminding yourself it’s persistence that pays off.

“Your Story is More Valuable than You Think.” by Doug Barton

Job loss is seen by many as one of the most traumatic events one can experience.  Like other impactful events, the negative effects can be overcome by employing different strategies.  In previous blog posts we’ve talked about reframing negative thoughts into positive ideas, counting your blessings, exercising, making time to enjoy life, and other suggestions.

A while back, researchers at the Southern Methodist University[1] discovered that writing your deepest thoughts and emotions about losing your job could be very helpful.  Some of the benefits include a lowering of stress as indicated by reduced blood pressure, weight and heart rate.  Medical science has known for a long time that sustained levels of stress can have serious health consequences.  Expressing thoughts privately, that you might not feel comfortable discussing with others, can also help you “unload” the mental burden and keep you from ruminating about the situation.

Participants in the study wrote about a range of topics which included the emotions associated with problems of finding a new job, issues with family and loved ones, financial matters, how they felt the day they were let go, how they felt about their old employer and co-workers, and health concerns.  These are good topics, but you’re free to make your own choice.

Give it a try.  People in the study wrote 20 minutes a day for five days.  (Researchers didn’t look at writing for different lengths of time.)  We suggest that writing your thoughts and emotions whenever you get bogged down will be helpful.  Of course, if you can talk to a loved one or friend bout your feelings, that’s better still.

[1] “Expressive Writing and Management”; Academy of Management Journal, 1994, Vol. 37, No.3, 722-733.